Well, what can I say. It's not easy, I have so many things that run through my mind lately. Blessings or broken hearts first? Guess I will go with broken hearts.
Last monday, after a 6 month battle with cancer, my dad, my hero... passed away. When he had his surgery in July, we found out that he had a rare form of cancer of the duodenum. You usually don't find out about it until it is too late, which was my dad's story. The surgery was to hopefully remove the tumor. Unfortunately that was not possible, it was one of the worst days of my life. Not only did I find out my dad was probably not going to survive the year I had to face him after the surgery and lie to his face. How could we tell him. There he laid, recovering with this huge wound on his tummy. How could he pull himself through the weeks of healing ahead. Everyone avoided that room except my mom and I. There we were wanting to break down crying putting on our brave faces pretending we didn't know what was to come.
My dad, God bless him, always said through it all. "The good Lord doesn't owe me anything, I owe him and if it is my time to go I am ready."
What would you do with your loved ones if you knew you were going to loose them? I did just that. I spent as much time this summer fishing with my dad and my son, what we loved doing. We tried all kinds of alternative treatments which created some more cherished memories of what dad was willing to try for us. I won't go into that. What I will say is that dad, through it all, was so gracious, grateful, willing and peaceful... in short, just amazing. His undying faith in God, his love for and from his family and friends kept him strong right to the very end.
He called me "his angel". I gladly took the role of caregiver, emergency room partner and "Dr. Roz" as he called me. I would do it all over again. I am humbled by the trust he put in me to make sure he was taken care of. The day before he passed away he told me not to be sad because he wasn't scared. All those months of hiding my tears, leaving my dad only to go home and cry my heart out alone, so that I could be strong for him and not dwell on sadness and negativity. I just couldn't hold it anymore. The tears streamed down my face and I choked on my words. I told him that I wasn't afraid for him, I knew where he was going, I told him that I was sad because I was going to miss him so much. I sure do dad. I miss you so so so so much.
The blessing is that through it all, dad felt relatively good. He did not have pain, other than gas pains he seemed to get more and more frequently. Ever the motherly caregiver, I figured out what ended up being comical ways to "burp" dad. What a precious gift, I will never forget and I am so glad that in the end I was able to be of service to my dad. That was my dad's legacy, he was so loved and he lived to serve the ones he loved.
Dad quietly passed away with a room full of kids, grandkids, inlaws and ex-inlaws, friends and loved ones. As his breaths grew shorter we kissed him and whispered softly how much we loved him and just like that, he drifted away.
Every moment, even the worst ones, are precious. You never know what lies ahead, no matter how much you think you do.
LIVE for the ones you love, LOVE with every breath you take, GIVE of yourself every chance you get and you will get it all back threefold.
For you dad.
Give give give of yourself and you shall receive.
xo
the fairy.
